Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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