then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
