A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
