I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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