I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
