I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
