Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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