I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
