What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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