Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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