You smell like stripper and shame
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
