I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Is Oprah even human
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
