Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
