how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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