some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
