For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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