Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Too much gin, very little bucket
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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