She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
