I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
