Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
