i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
