Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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