you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
