Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
