Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
