i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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