apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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