Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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