i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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