last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i think my cat just said my name.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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