Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
