just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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