someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
