I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
