This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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