I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
