her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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