haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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