2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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