I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
