every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
