idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
