in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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