don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
