That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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