I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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