i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Michael Bay diarrhea
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
