I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
