Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
