I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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