who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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