The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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