that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I supernannyed him into submission
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
