Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
