Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
