I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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